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Show her his Facebook photo when she begins to plan your funeral. When she asks where you met your roommate, just say the Internet. Tell your mom you’re finally moving out of the room above her suburban garage. Wonder when you will be over him and hypothesize never.įind a roommate on Grindr, then find an apartment together. It’s better that it was bad because you’re still not over the boy. Tell yourself, when you get home, that it was a good thing to go on a bad date. Offer again ten minutes later, then cram your slice into your mouth to avoid making conversation. The heat, the crowd, the booth selling sangria. When he catches up to you, do your best not to look disappointed. Instead of politely laughing at his too-accurate, self-deprecating jokes, flatly say, “Ha.” Try to ditch him when he runs into a friend at the crowded street fair you’ve chosen for the date.
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Know as soon as he steps out of the Uber that this was a terrible mistake but spend the next three to four hours with him anyway. His hair will look as if it had last been brushed for his seventh-grade class photo. He should possess a disheveled look that makes you wonder not if he showered today, but when he last showered. He should show up no less than forty minutes late. Sweat through your shirt as you wait for him. On the one-week anniversary of your breakup, go on a terrifically bad date. Wear your biggest sunglasses on the train so that when you cry people only see themselves reflected in your mirrored lenses. Comb through everything you said, did, and thought while dating him, and keep a running list of all the things you said, did, and thought wrong. Spend the next heat-wave week in bed roiling in a stew of your own thoughts and juices. Try to take Celine Dion’s advice: “I finished crying in the instant that you left.” Fail, envious of how Celine could be so cold. Hug him so tightly before he leaves that you can’t tell if the heartbeat you feel is yours or his or maybe somehow both, as if you’ve conjoined and are stuck together forever.
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Cry harder when he says he still wants to be friends, you’re amazing, you’re a great kisser. Fiction by Sean Littlefield Chumley The Young Gay Man’s Guide to Crying All the TimeĬry only a little when, after two hot-and-heavy months, he says he doesn’t want to date you anymore.